theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.