The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
