I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
