How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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