obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
