Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
