I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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