Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
