I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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