That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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