i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
