Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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