I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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