Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
