omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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