i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
