david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
