So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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