I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to jail i love you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
