I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
