the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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