there was a trapeze. enough said
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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