two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
