i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
