Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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