So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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