If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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