i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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