Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
