i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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