Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
