my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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