Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
