My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
