Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
