she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
