WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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