Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize