I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
