He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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