so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
