last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
