i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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