Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
