I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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