sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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