the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
