He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
