Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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