Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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