They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
