Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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