When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
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I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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