can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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