Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
